Turtles

We are like turtles slowly swimming in the sea. We go to places where we are stuck. We flap our arms, but we don't go anywhere. But if we just go back into our shells, God will come and give it a kick, and when we land, we will find our Narnia.

unplug yourself

This is what my teacher told us today during studio class, and I thought it was interesting. He said as a musician, we need to unplug ourselves from all the technology and the life worries, so that we could focus on the music. Sometimes when we are playing, we don't seem to go anywhere because we are moving our fingers but thinking about different things in our mind.

This very much applies to what I need to do with my relationship with God. I can go through the lip motion, and the doing. But I get distracted by what I need to do next that I cannot concentrate. Sometimes I don't even remember the prayers that I prayed a moment ago. Here is me, with many plugs attached to me, and they are all attached to different things from different direction, I want to move forward to God, but I am just so stuck that I cannot go anywhere. Yes, I need to unplug myself and focus on God. Get rid of all my plugs hanging on my tail and plug into God. That's what I need to do.

God can take a simple prayer a long way! and it burns...

Today in the Blue Apple, there was a lot of people attending Bursley Game Night. The two groups sent over were greatly out numbered. At first I was hoping to see some people from frizbee yesterday at the reflection pool, but very few came out. The rest of the people are all strangers. I was dissapointed because I wanted to build deeper relationship with some of them, and I was thinking: how can I do that when they don't even show up? we started playing games with some people, and as more and more people came in, the Blapple because really loud and crowded. My dissapointment became bigger, I prayed to God :"God I am not coming up here to just play some board games with these freshmen, and if this is the only purpose, I'd rather go down and bring people to the movie night. And if this room-full of people is who your heart is after, then don't let this night go by like this. Show me you are here."

After that, for about 3 hours, God was just moving like crzay. Dan and I shared the gospel with a Thai Buddhist, and he was really touched by it and wanted to bring his devout-buddhist mom to new encounter. He said that he went to an international school in Thai and it is Catholic run, but no one told him the Good News. I felt the spirit moving in him. More over, in the middle of sharing the gospel, this other guy jumped into the discussion while playing monopoly, and was going in between the game and the conversation. After the Thai person left, Dan and I were able to have a great conversation with him who was born in a Christian family but doesn't understand how Jesus is both human and God, and this whole concept of trinity. What's crazy is that he is really curious about what the truth is and really passionate about finding out the truth, that he is willing to push back the date of going home to celebrate his brother's birthday so that he could make it to New Encouter. We all decided we are gonna learn more about the concept of the trinity together.

God is truely there tonight, and he moves in directions that I cannot imagin. Even I was a little dissapointed starting off, I was sooo privileged and blessed coming out. All the glory is His, and I'm speechless about how a simple prayer (more like a complaint) could be brought so far. He is crazy and alive!!!! He doens't need my plans and visions. All he needs is a simple act of obedience that when opportunity comes, Jean, you take it. God is soooo good and there are gonna be greater things to come!

1 Sam 30

So David was sent back to the land that the king of Philistine assigned to him, but he found out that the Amalekites had taken captive their women and children, but have not harmed any. the soldiers were in great distress, and they talked about stoning David.

David found strength from God. and got direction from God that he should pursue the Amalekites and take back his and his men's familes. On the way to chase the enemies, 200/600 ditched David, because they were too tired. They stayed with the supplies. When David found an Egyptian on the way, he still gave him food to eat--raisin cake and drink. The raisin cake is probably nothing compare to what they could have had, but they lacked women to cook for them, David still generously gave to the Egyptian whose anscestor tortured David's. The Egyptian led them to concuring the Amalekites and saving their family.

while the 400/600 refused to share with the 200, David rebuked them and told them to share, because they are not to decide for what God had given to them. The people in the "back stage" with the supplies are just as equal as the ones fighting in the front.

This is the man who chased after God's own heart.

Toothpaste

When people squeeze the toothpaste, the paste comes out. If no one squeezes it, then it just sits there, and do nothing. I am like a toothpaste who react instead of proact.

Formulas

I am a math major. I look at formulas, plug in numbers over and over; answers come out.
I am a piano major. I look at patterns, play the notes over and over; music come out.
I am a believer. I listen to sermons, apply sermon notes over and over; opps...

This summer, I find myself wanting to grow in Christ, which is good. However, I still like to take things onto myself. I like to take practical steps. When I find them working, I tend to repeat them, thinking that they are the things that bring me growth. And to my surprise (haha, "to my surprise"), most of the times they don't work. And I wonder why. I fail to realize that God wants to guide me in the learning process, and I am not supposed to repeat certain motions brainlessly. It might give me some growth, but it'll not get me too far.

I am like this girl who's going across the ocean with her dad, and for the first two days, Dad is like: "Jean, let me teach you how to swim." After learning them, I kind of told Dad: "Hey dad, I can take care of myself, and I'll meet you on the other side of the ocean." Before Dad could say anything, I start swimming, thinking that I know all the moves.

If I keep going, I would be in the middle of the ocean, tired and not knowing which direction to turn to. Dad, of course, would come and rescue me, and would say to me: "Jean, after you learned swimming, I want to teach you sailing so you can get there fast and safely."

It's this concept of practice VS. principle again. I really need to know that why things are done a certain way, and why I am practicing them. I need to understand the formulas, learn the functions of the music patterns, and listen to God's guidance.

So... yeah, superglue yourself to God, Jean.

apps

Jean, Listen!
Jean, stop being selfish; it's not about you.
Jean, if you make a mistake, it's okay, there's grace.
Jean, remember what you just wrote.

I am really privileged

Today is the first day when CSMP 2010 started field work at CCA, and immediately God showed me how privileged but unappreciative I am. So when we drove into the parking lot, the first thought I had in mind was "oh this high school is not that bad." However, not until I talked to the students, and started tutoring with them did I notice that their learning environment is just a low quality stuffing under this nice pillowcase. And this really broke my heart.

First of all, they are really smart kids who are perfectly capable of learning, but the fact that they are here and the juniors are struggling recovering their credits for algebra 1 is a shock. Because when I taught them what to do, and tested them on the knowledge, they are perfectly capable of doing it. But a lot of them when they first asked for help, they couldn't even do -1 + 5. what a simple expression that I thought I didn't have to think to come up with 4. Yet, they had to try so hard and after multiple guesses to realize it's the same as 5-1 using the associative property. How can such simple math that I thought so natural for us be so difficult for them? They are not stupid, but they just couldn't do it. I was definitely immersed in an enviornment that is so encouraging and so specially prepared for my study in school, and if they are really trained their habits, knowledge, and are encouraged constantly, I believe they can be just as good as any of us on the team. On the other hand, the fact that it took me to grow this old to realize that it's a privilege to be here and be exposed to so much resource and help shows that I am definitely not thankful enough to my giver.

Another anecdote today is today when the first class was about over--close to 10:30, the chemistry student I was tutoring picked up so much interest for chemistry that when we were dismissed, She asked me if I could stay a little longer to help her finish the section. I cannot say no to her, even though I was mad hungry. Again, I was thinking why this kind of student would be required to do summer school for credit recovery. What kind of environment do they live in that they couldn't have peace doing what they would be interested in if they were given a quiet classroom like this one? I wanted to know her story. All the kids there are so precious.

Second of all, for myself, I realize how much I assumption I make in my mind about the people around me. I assume they think like I do, they live like I do, and not until I saw these students was I reminded again how different people are when we are only about 50 minutes far from each other. my high school was the biggest areawise in the whole state of michigan. We had everything, but these people don't have art, music, drama and other elective classes. I really need to ask people about their life, care for them. and have more compassion about what they are going through.

So overall, today was a good experience to see the life of poeple, and to see how privileged I am and how much blessing it could be for them fromt the little help I could give. This summer will be really good.

Submission

This is what Anna said last week during lifegroup.

So, submission is not when God closes all the possible doors and leave one for you, and you say: "Okay God, I guess this is the door you are opening for me. I submit to you by walking through." No, that's not submission at all! You have no choice. However, it is when God leaves many doors open, and they all look very appealing, you actively pray to God asking which door He wants you to choose. Then you submit to him by going through that door and taking the paths behind it. And I suck at submitting to Him. My mind wanders around too much that I am so distracted by the doors thinking that I am so capable. Jean, chill and pray! There is a decision to make.

I'm a leaking cup!

So here is the image that came to me today. I realize that I am a cup. This winter God is trying to fill me to a certain level. But I am a leaking cup, and the water is leaking out slowly. But fortunately God is also dropping water into it, and with a faster rate that the leak. Like what JSA had us do during missions--the iron chair drills, and he said ministry is hard, and ministry with sin is harder. I agree, and my leaks are exactly what sin is doing--draining me out. but God's sovereign hands are still covering me, He's got my back, and is going to plug those leaks on the cup, and i'm very very very looking forward to getting to the line that God taped on my cup--where he wants me to be--even though it takes dying :) He redeems!!

Dang it, but Yay God

This is during Sunday closing worship, I just realized that this past year, my prayer to the lord was off. It was "God fix me," and I get bitter because I thought my prayer prayer wasn't answered. But during closing worship, i just had this strange but familiar feeling when I was praying. I was parying for God to come close to me, and I was asking God to give himself to me. I felt familiar because this was the prayer that I prayed freshman year, and he answered abundantly, strange becasue it felt far from the life that I lived sophomore year. i just realized that I have missed the mark, I thought I hit the center of the dartboard, but not really. I might have hit the other sections on the board, but they are all not quite the center. I realized that I haven't been desirng him, and I was too focused on myself.

But still this is happy, becasue he just offered me this second (maybe this is the 20th) chance to come back to him. As always, he came chasing after me. This time it's not a slap in the face, but it's a gentle guidance to peace, and comfort. He knows exactly what I need. He is renewing my mind again, and it felt fresh!

So dang it I failed, but Yay God cause he picked me up! YAY YAY YAY!!!!!!

Good Job Faithful Servant

So this is Rebi's challenge for us yesterday as we met as hospitality team. He challenged us when we stare at the ceiling before we go to sleep at night, to reflect on our day and see if God would say to us “good job my faithful servants! I am pleased with you.” As I was thinking and reflecting on that thought, I really cannot say that God is pleased with my serving this past year. The scripture says: “lean not on your own understandings. In all your ways acknowledge him....” I don't think I did that very much.

Couple weeks ago, Nayoung drew this chart for me that really revealed to me what I have been doing. It's like a binomial model chart, where there are two branches, each represent two choices that people can make. First branch says lean on your own will, and the second says lean on God's will. Of those two choices, each choice had two more branches extending out from them, and they are the possible results that one could get from making those choice. If I choose to lean on my own will, then I either become prideful when I'm doing well, or become bitter when I'm not doing so well. The results from leaning on God's will is when I'm doing well, I give glory to God, but when I'm not doing so well, it's okay, because there is grace. As visual as I am, that chart really spoke to me and reminded me that I am constantly hopping back and forth between being proud of myself and being bitter. My choice never changed—leaning on myself. And Tina was right, we are constantly in this state of bitterness; it's by God's grace that we are doing well. Therefore, Jean, lean not on your own understandings, and delight yourself in the Lord.

So God is great in sending me people to remind me and rebuke me. Definitely without these, I cannot get out of my state of bitterness. He is really really good, like really really really good to me! The feelings from freshmen year is back, and during prayer gathering today, I could “feel” him standing next to me, and only this time I know it's different because the feelings are grounded in the words. I am happy, and I am really excited for what he's going to do this summer! Hopefully someday, when I stare at the ceiling, I will hear him say: “good job my faithful servant! I am pleased with your work :) .


Yay God!

Girl with a big head

So I'm a girl with a really big head, aka, I am very attention seeking. I might not want to be under the spotlight physically, but mentally I always want to be the at the center stage. The scary thing is that sometimes I don't know. I blame it to the single child syndrome, but I know that it's from my sinful nature. Because of this, and I've wronged a lot of people because of this whether they know or not. Most importantly, I've wronged God.

I like the song that goes: "I am a friend of God, I am a friend of God, I am a friend of God, He calls me friend." But my friendship with God a lot of times is one-sided where God chases after me, I am constantly turning away from Him. Seems like I am chasing after something else. So Jean, what are you chasing after? i'm chasing after this meism that I set for myself. I am the biggest self-worshipper in the world. I want to please people, so they recognize how good i am; i want to do well in school so I can take pride; I want to ... so i feel good. Ha! what a fool!

But today, as we were singing, I realize that God is not going to give up on me, because i am this filthy, infact, I just realize today that there's something that He cannot do--he cannot not love me, not for a single moment. Even when he is filled with sorrow, he still cries out: "father, forgive Jean, for she doesn't know what she is doing." Indeed, I am the one who betrayed my friend; I am the one who whipped him and left bloody marks; I am the one who nailed Him to the cross, and I am still doing that. However, even with that, he still loves me. He loves me constantly, but I cannot constantly love him back. I wanna say I do, but my behavior shows that I don't.

I am overwhelmed by how deeply rooted this one sin is, not to mention that this is just the tip of the iceberg. There are so many more sins that I need to learn about before I work on them. But I am also overwhelmed by the love from God that I received, and I don't know all of it. One thing I do know for sure though, is that His love is SO much greater than my sins.

No matter how big my head is and not matter how sinful I am and how many times I betray my friend, He will not give up on me, and he always forgives me. And knowing this overwhelmes me!

My specific prayer

So about my last blog post...
This is really funny, cuz I connected my blog with buzz not knowing that the last blog entry will be put on. the entry was written days before I connected the two. But this is even better, cuz I made the prayer asking God whether he wants me to keep going with piano by asking for a scholarship.

But before going into the results, here is why I am asking this question.

First of all, I found piano really hard this semester, and I think it is definately my slump. So for a while I didn't have motivation to practice. I also wanted to quit, but after discovering that it was completely out of my own failure, and laziness, and lack of discipline, I told God that I am not going to give up just because it becomes hard. I am really thankful that I found many motivations and inspirations from God.

However, things really started getting wobbly, I don't know if piano is what God wants me to pursue any more. Because that will be an extra year of tuition, and I don't know what he wants me to do with it. So I said: " God, if keep going with piano is your plan for me, then grant that scholarship, and if I don't get it, then that means you don't want me to keep going with it. And I will quit."

So it's been a month of waiting, and today I finally got the answer. I got the mail from the music school after coming home from LG. I opened it, and it ways "I am pleased to inform you...."

Yeah, so Praise the Lord I got a scholarship, and he has answered my prayer specificly.

PTL for the scholarship, but more, PTL for the direction he gave me. Now he has given me this chance to obey him, and I will. I know the rest is up to me, but I will do it! With his strength, I can do it!

God is good and faithful! I have a great God!

What are you busy doing?

Jean, what are you busy doing?
why is it that you always run out of time--for anything!
God created this universe for you to enjoy, and you re just so consumed in your own tasks and deadlines.
stop and think, Jean.
what made you so busy?
you have one more month left! it's up to you to decide whether you wanna keep going or not, and if you make that decision, you'd better stick to it! do not give up when things become hard, and stop and think, what is it that God want you to learn in this area.

His plan is perfect for you, and you just made a very specific prayer that if you receive scholarship from the music school, God wants you to keep going in the field, if not, drop it. So now, just be patient and wait.
He will answer soon!

Jean, don't rush to places. Stop and listen to His voice. Where does he want you to go? You cannot multitask, so you need to stop all you are doing, and listen!

HOME

Today, I came across a video clip about my hometown. It was a video made by four people, no one special. They wrote a song singing about my hometown. It's funny, and entertaining. in the clip they showed parts of the city, and it just got me. I didn't realize how much I miss home, the streets, the tea houses, the scene of old people playing Taichi in the morning. I just want to be home, and be embraced in that environment again. I watched more clips. I remember it was these scenes that constantly came to my dreams at night when I first came to the U.S.  Like what it said in one of the video clips: Chengdu, a city you don't want to leave. I forgot about it for a while, and now I am just reminded of how beautiful it is and how much I love it.

At the same time, I thought to myself: Heaven is just like home, except it's Home, it's where I am going to be ultimately. It's the most beautiful place. I remembered all the encounters I had with Heaven and the God that created it. I remembered the joy and peace that it brought to me, the hand that picked me up whenever I fell, the laughter when I was laughing, and the tears when I was crying. Ironically, I forgot where Home was, forgot that even though I am not there right now, there is room for me. I forgot who is waiting for me there. The memories of home brought me memories of Home. At Home, my Father is waiting for me.

To the LORD your God belong the heavens, even the highest heavens, the earth and everything in it. (Deut. 10:14) Where he is is where home is.

what a beautiful sight

This morning was the last service, and the service was really good and inspiring, but i was really touched by our communion. we went up row by row and took the bread and the cup, and i was standing in the last row, and as the first couple rows empties out, I see people walking up with a humble heart one by one, and coming down, and when I saw the brothers and sisters who accepted jesusthe night before go up and take communion for the first time, it was just an incredible sight, I was so touched by them. They took a step of faith to walk into God's kingdom, and to walk into this community of christ followers. It was really touching.

However, I also noticed that there are still a couple friends who were sitting and waiting for their row to come back--they cannot take the communion yet. It just break my heart seeing that they still don't know christ yet, but seeing the new believers also gave me hope that someday, the non-believers will also come to the front and praise God and take communion with their brothers and sisters.

So Lord i pray that you bless and protect the brothers and sisters who decided to follow you. Thanks for choosing them, and make yourself known to them. Please grow them according to your image, so that they may go out and represent you immediately, and influence other people. I also pray for those who still don't yet know you, may they someday put on their glasses and be able to know that you were with them all along, and they could finally see your kingdom and the hope you are offering them. May they take a step of faith to believe in you and to follow you.

Amen

running on empty: Combating burnout

This is saturday night's sermon, and the passage is all over the place. but mainly Pastor Dave talked about some reasons why we have a spiritual burnout. I agree that we should not blame God for the things that are going wrong, but really look into our hearts to see what's going on there. He talked about four falures in ourselves that causes the burnout--intimacy fail, perspective fail, integrety fail, and Capacity fail.

First of all, the intimacy fail, a lot of times, we start doing things excitedly, but after a while it becomes draining. We cannot even stand thinking about it. How come? to put in Pastor Dave's works: "we are so good for doing stuff for stuff's sake that we forget the person we are doing it for." Basically we got too caught up in the deeds. a lot of time I really need to check my heart before serving, or else it just becomes routinely smile, shake hands, lead people to their seat.... I forgot that I am providing service for God's people or future children of God. I forget that I am doing all these for him, not for me to earn any glory. At least it should be the case. If my heart is not right, then there's no meaning in serving God.

Second, the perspective fail. "We think what we have is awesome until someone else comes over." I tend to compare and judge a lot, which gives me a lot of insecurities. However, knowing God should be already a blessing instead of comparing the worldly things--who's car is the best, who has the prettiest wife.... When we have the right perspective, we won't have a burn out, we would just keep wanting to do it. I really like the glasses analygy that he gave: when my eyes starts to go bad, i won't immediately realize this, but someday when someone tells me to get glasses, and when I put on that glasses, I would suddenly realize that "the world has texture." like in Psalm 73, where Asaph was complaining how God does care how the iraelites acted toward him, they could do whatever they wanted to, but Asaph as a follower of God had to obey so many rules. He was bitter, until one day he entered into the tabernacle, and there he found God. There, he put on his glasses, and saw the texture of the world. The same with me, but God is really patient with me, and he provides me glasses to see the world and myself clearly. and I pray that I will not lose my sight again.

Third, Integrity fail. this is what I always do. I am in God's fan club but forgot to personally spend time with him, to talk to him. I am like a gypocrite who was good at acting, being others, but fail to recognize who I really am. and in matthew 6:24: no one can serve two masters.... This is really true and I like the brutal example he gave where a man betrays his wife and has affair witha nother woman. the man might still love his wife, but after time, the wife that he promised to commit to starts to look differently, and this is exactly how we are with God, that we have affairs with the worldly idols and when we fall deep enough, we forget about the God we once knew. So we get burnt out. because we no longer have the interest in doing something for the one we stopped loving.

the fourth one is Capacity fail,  we always linger on the former glory we had and forgot that we stopped practicing and stopped growing that we could not reach the level we once were, and if we still try to do the same things, or carry the same burden, we would just fail. Even though we don't believe ourselves, and we always say: "I used to be able to do it!" yes, I USED to. that's because we used to have the capacity to do it. When we stop growing, time will get us hard. though our memory was in the past, the reality goes on. same thing, if we want to grow spiritually, we need to first keep the capacity, and then expand it. We cannot do the adult work with the faith like child. and Jean you fail at this all the time as well. and if you want more challenges from God, and if you want to see him work more powerfully, you gotta challenge yourself, and be faithful!

the things you learned at this retreat will count as nothing unless you start carrying them out after learning about them.

The creative spark

This is the topic of friday night service, the passage is on Genesis 1. pastor Dave Lee talked about four characteristics of God which opened my eyes. He said that God is explosive, Imaginative, life-loving and beautiful.

The thing that stuck out to me the most is that in terms of his explosiveness, when God is creating something, he doens't do it tentatively, he does it boldly, with all the guts. Like the stars in the sky, to put it in Pastor Dave's words, he was in his "star phase" and he speaks those countless stars into existence, adn they are beautiful. So don't try to stop God--don't try to take control, only when I let go, will God take full control and do things in my life boldly. And I will realize in the end that they are all the best for me. so I needed to let go and let God explode.

In terms of his Imaginativeness, he is the god that creates different kinds of things, and i agree with the example Pastor Dave gave, that he's created so many human, but not one of them are indentical. And he hasn't grown tired of it yet! If I were to do something repeatedly with variety, I'd be so bored, yet he does it generation after generation.

In terms of his life-lovingness, God created what's seemingly disorder orderly. What we see the stars in the sky might be completely random, but he knows the patterns. In terms of the oneness of the church, we should be like a schools of fish that swim individually but in the same direction.

In terms of his beautiful, it is complete, and satisfies the recipe. I am really inspired by his saying about the earth, that it is most beautiful to look at from the outer space. The one being that could afford to appreciate everyday is God. no one else. He created all these for him and him alone. It's all because of HIS glory and honor, it's none of our business. and we are God's housekeeper, and that's it.

I realized after the sermon that after listening to people emphasizing on how God is a personal God, I forgot that he is also the creator of the universe. He is the most vast being in the world, and I was just minimize him and his power. This sermon is such a good reminder that all these beauty and the creativity is also in us. and we are also called to create beautiful things to glorify his name!!

submission

God is truly a loving and personal God. He knows what to say to me, and how to say to me to help me realize the whole in my pants. During break, I got a phone call from Andrea and when we were talking, I asked her if she was doing summer missions. I know she wanted to do it. But she needed to check with her parents. She told me after talking to her dad, she decided not to do it according to his suggestion. After the conversation and thinking about what she said i was really shocked about what she said. Not about the content, but about her attitude. I don't even remember when the last time was that I submitted to my parent's decisions. It's always :" hey mom, hey dad, I want to do this, so support me!" I was trying hard to pretend that I was all independent--coming to the US, deciding on schools and majors, pulling out my wisdom teeth.... Yet, they had to take the consequence of my decisions--huge financial burden, separation from the only child in the family....

Most of the times, to my mom, i tell her what I want to do, and I will agree to her suggestions if it goes along with my will, but if it doesn't i would fight until she says yes to my decisions, and looking back, there's no sign of submission at all. To my dad is even worse. I never told him what i was going to do. I always tell him what I did and all his can say was just "oh, okay, so how was it?" But God used that phone conversation to wake me up. He said: " stop living in the dream of you are an obedient child as all the others told you. You are not at all. Just look at what you did...." it was like cold water pouring down from my head, I was suddenly awake.

Thanks you God for showing me this, I took a first step by realizing it and facing it. Please help me with the latter steps of fighting it and perservering through it. i want to learn to submit to my worldly parents, so I could submit to you.

God's grace

God is really good because he never lets me fall too far before picking me up. This was represented in both physical and spiritual sense.

Spiritually, I was growing really slowly last semester, because I was really callouse, and dry. I thought I could do things my way, i thought I grew enough, that i didn't need god to teach me lessons anymore. however, I was wrong. I was apathetic most of the times, and stopped reaching out to people. More over, I was bitter. i was bitter at the fact that I was callouse, apathetic. Even though I was not blaming God verally for such things, my actions show my dissatisfaction to my savior. However, God's love never stops. He picks me up time after time, and shows me his love everytime i am unsure of it. He restrains his wrath from this sinner who was betraying him every single day. I could not possibly do this if I were to be put in his shoes.

Another thing that I was left speechless is that during break, when we were skiing, I went through the woods, but hit a bump and fell. I didn't remeber how I fell, didn't remember the pain, and when i woke up, i was able to remember things correctly even though it did take a while for things to come back into my memory. i threw up in the ambulance, and the nurse told me that I could possibly have a head injury. However, when I went to the hospital, underwent the CAT scan, they found out that i dind't have any injury, my head was fine. Only my brain fell out of place a little-- I got a concussion. Even that, God is very greacious to me. I didn't break a bone, didn't injure any part of my body. And the fact that a lot of people die from falling when skiing, getting a concussion was not a big deal at all.

I am also really thankful for my family, for their taking care of me, and just their heart for me. i am very very touched by my aunt and uncle waking up every 3-4 hours to wake me up, according to the doctor's instruction. they just care so much for me that they didn't care i smelled bad, every time I stand up trying to do something, they always tell me to sit down or lie down to rest my head. they asked me at least once every 2-3 hours how I felt. some of these are little things, and they don't take much effort to do or say. But it's just these little things that warmed my heart. They are the gift that God's put into my life. I am very thankful of them and am very blessed by them!

God is pulling back to him, I will come back, and try my best to follow him.