Going Psyco!!

This is a habit of mine from childhood, or I can say I am conditioned to think this way. I need a break through, or else, I will go psyco!

My insecurities are hitting me really badly, and I have realized this recently. This insecurity (from what I discovered) is a little different from what people usually feel, though in some aspects they are similar. I don't know how to descirbe it. It's like I worry too much. yeah that's it, I worry too much, way too much!

A lot of times, if I don't remember somthing, then I will assume the worst, and this has become a problem, because the things I assume are completely random, the chances of them happening is literally 1/100000.

Now that I think about it, it is due to my hyper-sensitiveness, and I was scared as a child that bad things are gonna happen around me, so I prepare for the worst, like usually a death. I have imagined so many deaths in my family, so many ways of dying! I don't even know! I just need someone to tell me that this is normal, and if this is not, tell me how to fix it!

I feel like all these year i have been refusing to receive God's peace, and it's really hard without it! I am just way tooo stubborn!

please God break me, so I can receive your peace!!

rotten life

The more I look into my life, the more rotten spots I find. I now see my self as this rotten person who has green mold all over my body, and I am gross. Yet, God picks me up lovingly, knowing that I stink and am no good, he still treasures me and kisses me. I felt love from him. I know he is the only one who can love me so unconditionally. I know that deeply. I don't know what I can offer back, but I want to be renewed. As a praise addict, I expect a lot from people. I get disappointed all the time, but now I really understand that I cannot depend my life on these, and God is the only one who will not disappoint me, and I will be praised in heaven--even though I am so rotten.

The reality is that even though I am a sinner, and my sins are trying to consume me all the time, God loves and conquers.

So Jean, grab yourself, and get ready for the fight!!!

Everything

This is the theme of our undergrad retreat. This is what God cares about in my life. I prayed a lot during the retreat, but afterwards, I realized I prayed too little. I realize there are soo many things in my life I didn't lift up to God. Some out of fear, some pride, and some others just purely out of ignorance. God gave me sooo many gentle rebukes, and I ignored a lot of them. He set so many examples in front of me--people, story, I was just blind and deaf. I realize I have sooo many holes in my pants, that I wasn't even aware of, and i the holes are so big that I was barely wearing anything. Yet, i thoght I was so okay. I thought i was so holy.

God really convicted my heart, and gave me a heart for his people. But first i need to arm myself, and prepare myself for the challenges. I will lift up everything and be open to everything that God puts on my plate.

The extra weight

So recently I have been going down to central to study a lot. sometimes i would go directly after lifegroup. sometimes just stay on central. when I plan my day, I always take the weight of my backpack into account, I wanted to take the least trip back home, but carry the lightest weight on me possible. One thing I realize is that i would think to myself whether today has church or not, if not, I would take the bible out of my backpack. if yes, I put it in, thinking: man I am carrying some extra weight today. However, this thought is so wrong. The bible should never be the extra weight in my backpack. I sometimes find myself in need of my bible but i don't have it with me. Then I am reminded that i took it out, or I planned to not include it in my activities for the day.

This brings up a question that I ask myself: Jean, are you really putting God as your first priority? Or is he just like his words that you put it aside when you think you don't need and pick it up when you need it for some commitment like lifegroup? bringing it for church is not wrong at all. But the problem is whether I am expecting a personal growth with God. And from my actions, I am clearly not.

So Jean, organize yourself, and know where to look at, so you know which direction to go.

10.5.09 Ex24, Jn3

Exodus 24:
Moses told the israelites the laws and regulations. They all said they'd obey him because they've seen God's power. and Moses made a convenant with them. God called moses and aaron along with some other elders to to foot of the mountain, and Moses and Joshua went up to the mountain top and the rest of the people waited at the foot. to the people, God's presence was like consuming fire. and Moses was in that fire for 40 days and 40 nights.

John 3:
So in this chapter, Jesus taught Nicodemus, and John the baptists testified about Jesus.
I feel like Jesus was speaking right to me when he was teaching Nicodemus. I always tell God to work, yet, I ignore the fact that I'm always ignoring or not believing that he is constantly working. I think I pray enough, but in fact, I don't lift up everything to him. only the ones I cannot handle, i lift it up, and for the ones i can handle, I tell god to get out of my plan. and when the plans don't work, I start doubting. yet, Jesus said that if you don't believe int he earthly things, how can you believe the heavenly things. being unobservant shouldn't be my excuse for not seeing God's work. It should never be. So opne your eyes, Jean, and talk to God where ever you see him
When John testified about Jesus, he said " He mus become greater, and I must become less." I need to have that mind set. instead of always putting myself as my priority, and take God's place. Just like what Jesus said about caesar's money. Give caesar what belongs to him and God what belongs to God. the praises and honor don't belong to me but I am so consumed in it. it's like kissing an award and treating it mine, when it belongs to someone else who actually deserve it.

10.4.09 Ex23 Jn 2

Exodus 23:
So God here told them first not to work in the 7th year or on the 7th day, for they need to rest and give to the others. Then he went on talking about the land he was going to give to the israelites. He is going to drive out different people before the israelites because if they stay together, they could mess up the israelites. It's so good to see that God was already preparing them for the land, and he established the rules then, before they enter the promised land so that when they go in and settle down, they wouldn't have to worry about the law anymore, and they could just follow the laws and live their life. He plans the perfect plan for us, and all we need to do is obey. He planned for us it's better to work for 6 days and rest, and it's best not to conform to the other people because of satan's temptation.... He is really planning the best.

John 2:
Jesus turned water into wine was the miracle recorded in John. aside from the story, I found that interesting how Mary just told the servants to do what Jesus commands despite the fact that Juses said it was non of his business. However, Jesus still did it. It takes the servants a great deal of faith to follow what Jesus said. He was the one filling the jars with water, and he was the one Jesus told to bring that to the master, so he didn't know what was going to happen, but he still did it. I don't think I have this kind of obedience. If i don't know something for certain, i wouldn't do it. It's really scary for me to just step outside without knowing the weather. however this servant just went. Moreover, this is jesus' first signs, so there were no rumor or news about anything and he just "whoosh" brought the wine out. How much faith does he have and how little do I have!
Then Jesus went and cleared the temple. haha don't mess up with Jesus. it's God's dwelling place, and Jesus was so angry. Hwoever, there were still people asking for miracles. first of all, they weren't using the place right, so shouldn't anyone have the authority to correct them? but when Jesus came, they only questioned about who he was, instead of whether what they were doing was wrong. I am like that too a lot times. this take humility, and I clearly lack a lot of it. Jesus also prophesied about the rebuilding the temple in three days.

10.3.09 Ex22, Jn1

Exodus 22:
More rules for the people. God talked about protection of property and social responsibility this time. It's interesting that stealing is the center of the property protection. However after I thought about it, Stealing really covers everything with property. The social responsibility though, God again emphasized on adultury. it cannot be stressed enough, and God just know we were gonna fall and he layed this out for use first so that we could have a reference. and the consequence is pretty severe.

John 1:
This chapter was sooooo rich! First John gets this vision about Jesus' coming and being the word. Then he wrote about this other John, who was Jesus' cousin. He was john the baptist. Pay attention to when he states John's purpose of his life--"he came only as a witness to the light" v8. This was sooo powerful, and it takes a lot of strength and faith to carry out. I really wish that's all my purpose, and i could carry it out. John also prophesied about the coming of christ. he said that there was going to be one before him and greater than him. I would not want to declare anyone to be greater than me. I always go through so many comparisons between people and myself, and try to find in what aspect I am greater than them.
When John the baptist was qustioned about his identity. He did not hesitate to tell them who he was and who he wasn't, and even that was a testimony about Jesus. God let all these happen shortly before Jesus' coming, so that John could be prepared to have Jesus come. Indeed, Jesus came to John, and even though John did not know Jesus, he still recognized him with signs sent by God. Imagine if I could do this, and Jesus came to me, and i could recognize him. How awesome would that be? Instead of sitting here and guessing who Jesus could be, I could tell right away who he is. John did this by obedience through the holy spirit, and Jesus recognized John because he is God. This is soooo good, and satisfying. It makes me want to be able to recognize him, or even just his work.

my thing

I have a BIG ego! and it got me again during H-games. God is gracious that he showed me that I was wrong. This discipline was not comfortable, but i have to get through it.

So we were the game "pi in yo face" and 3 people had to go memorize digits of pie and teach it to 5 people who are learners. I was one of the 3. Because I used to memorize the 100 digits of pi, i thought i was sooo good that i was set, and if i just take another look, I could accurately teach it to the team. so the whisle blew, and we ran to the center to learn pi. all the digits looked so familiar, and i told one of the brothers that i got the next 8-10 digits. He kept asking me if i was sure and suggesting me to not do so much at a time, we could always come back. Because I was thinking at the time that this was already in my mind, and I got this. I assured him that i got all the digits. he kept asking because he was going to memorize the digits after mine. Whether his part was successful was greatly influence by mine. If i mess up, everything would be messed up, and we'd have to start over.

He was just being really careful, and in my stupid mind I was thinking: " why does he keep asking? I already said. " So I wanted to tell him that i used to memorize 100 digits. God was merciful to me. He blocked my mouth and didn't let those words come out. Becasue that would have been bad. Still that was the thought that came through my mind when he asked me--"i got this, not problem, I used to memorize the first 100 digits" except i stoped on the "I". The brother probably thought I was mad. so he didn't argue and just followed.

Guess what happened. I thought i got it all, but I blanked out on some digits, that i nad to run back and check. I was thinking to myself: why didn't i listen to him, and just do it bit by bit? This stupid proud face.

So brohter, I hope that you forgive me for my pride, and for what I've said to you. Please forgive me.

and God I am sorry.

God will make a way

Sometimes I wonder why I am going through what i am going through. Today I finally see that God put things in my life so that not only can I grow closer to him, but also when it becomes a testimony, it can encourage and comfort others. He is the most efficient--always playing multiple--wammies. I just want to see more of his work, and experience more of him.

i cannot belittle my God for what he is going to do in me. I have to trust that He is going to do great things. His work will not affect me only at the moment. It will affect me in the future, too, and even affect others.

So God use me as a tool to fulfill your perfect plan! please!

Lady T

There is a woman
she sits in the cab and waits in front of the libraries
she takes students to where they request
they seldomly talk to her
but when they do, she replies with a gentle voice
her name is Lady T
she doesn't have pretty hair
she doesn't have smooth skin
but she has the most beautiful heart
she is a great servant
to her students and to her family
she tells me that she is really blessed by God
this simple sentence that many people use
came out most powerfully from her mouth
God loves her so he answers her prayers
God loves me so he put her in my life

10.1.09 Ex22, Lk24

Exodus 22:
The laws from God for the Jews
It first talked about maleservents and femaleservents, and then the bulls (pocessions) of people, and how they deal with it, and it was very detailed that it covers all situations (at least all i could think of). God is really precise, and he is like that in our life. He is just in every aspect of our lives. Even with the things that we think are tedious. He doesn't mind, as long as we lift the things up to him. he will take care of it.

Luke 24:
So Jesus resurrected and it was interesting how the women found out first. I guess women were made with a more compassionate heart. When they went back and told the apostles and the others, they didn't believe them except for Peter. He got up and went to the tomb. I think he learned from earlier when Jesus predicted that Peter would disown him 3 times.
I feel like most of the times i am like the two people walking on the road. Thinking about God, but when he really comes, I am so blind that I don't recognize him. When he was about to leave, I finally realize that he was there with me the whole time.
Later Jesus did appear to his disciples, the ones he would send out later, and appoint great power to. He showed them by eating the fish that he was still in human form. A lot of time, I'm like: "God, show me you are here." Because he loves me, he comes down to me and use the holy spirit to touch me. It's a great feeling when that happens, and I bet the joy that's described here that the disciples felt was beyond imagination. They saw Jesus in human for after he died!!!! That must be the happiest think in their life!!