Yesterday I contacted my job place for the 3rd time since I got the verbal offer. I just asked for updates. What I received was Jean if you have any other job, please go ahead and take it. I was unable to reach Lisa, therefore unable to offer you the job.
I was sooooooo sad, so I texted some people. I needed to let out some emotions. I received so much love, so much care. And tonight's LIFEgroup was another time of healing for me. I love them!
I know God want me to learn from this, and there are directions that I need to take. But thanks God for changing me!
Time to fight!
2012/11/07
2012/08/13
Called mother twice
I called mom twice today, and both times, she hung up on me.
I am suspecting that she was angry at me not calling her often enough during this past month. But I am also suspecting something else being wrong, which I don't know what it is. I don't know what to do. Last time when I called her, she asked:"is there anything you need to discuss with me?" I said no. She didn't see to want to talk to me very much. That phone conversation lasted for about 4 minutes and half the time it was filled with silence.
I feel paralyzed right now.
I am suspecting that she was angry at me not calling her often enough during this past month. But I am also suspecting something else being wrong, which I don't know what it is. I don't know what to do. Last time when I called her, she asked:"is there anything you need to discuss with me?" I said no. She didn't see to want to talk to me very much. That phone conversation lasted for about 4 minutes and half the time it was filled with silence.
I feel paralyzed right now.
2012/07/17
Jose
Little Jose accepted Christ this past Friday. He is the first fruit of CSMP2012. Ever since he joined CSMP I felt a strong pull to reach out to him. He was very shy, very reserved. At first I thought he didn't speak English. Because he is really slow in speech.
This past Friday when we are doing community service (painting the school wall) together, I got a chance to talk with him. He didn't know what to talk about, so we ended up talking about God. I shared the gospel with him and asked him if he has any questions. He said he was confused about eternal life. After making that clear, we talked more about God's love and he was able to see how much God loves him and invited God into his life. Because I was a little unsure about his English and his understanding and also didn't want to make him make decision because he feels like I'm pushing him. So I asked him why he wants to accept Christ. He said he had been feeling lonely and he just needed God. After that, we said the sinner's prayer and pastor Pete prayed and blessed him and he is in :)
This past Friday when we are doing community service (painting the school wall) together, I got a chance to talk with him. He didn't know what to talk about, so we ended up talking about God. I shared the gospel with him and asked him if he has any questions. He said he was confused about eternal life. After making that clear, we talked more about God's love and he was able to see how much God loves him and invited God into his life. Because I was a little unsure about his English and his understanding and also didn't want to make him make decision because he feels like I'm pushing him. So I asked him why he wants to accept Christ. He said he had been feeling lonely and he just needed God. After that, we said the sinner's prayer and pastor Pete prayed and blessed him and he is in :)
Bryan
Bryan gave his life to Christ today. He was struggling with a relationship and was talking with friends when fusion started. Solana from austin CSMP team noted that they were late and told me about it. During engineering class, I pulled him aside and talked with him. He wasn't talking in the beginning, but later on he opened up about his problems. We also talked about other struggles and he was able to understand that God's plan for him is bigger than that relationship. He gave himself to Christ after recognizing that he was a sinner and understood that God wants him.
Praise God!
Praise God!
2012/07/03
2012/05/28
Sheep
Simon son of John, do you love me?
...
Feed my lamb.
...
Do you love me?
...
Feed my Sheep.
...
Do you truly love me?
...
Feed my sheep.
--Paraphrase from John 21
This is what Jesus commanded Simon Peter. But the question is Jean what about you?
Lord, my Lord, I am so sorry for not loving and not seeing your children as yours. You have entrusted lives onto my hands, how can I judge them and treat them the way I wanted to treat them? Lord, forgive me for all the unloving thoughts, jokes, and actions I have done against my girls. Lord forgive me.
I am not taking my responsibility. Please Lord help me to be a good shepherd.
I love you and I will fee your sheep.
...
Feed my lamb.
...
Do you love me?
...
Feed my Sheep.
...
Do you truly love me?
...
Feed my sheep.
--Paraphrase from John 21
This is what Jesus commanded Simon Peter. But the question is Jean what about you?
Lord, my Lord, I am so sorry for not loving and not seeing your children as yours. You have entrusted lives onto my hands, how can I judge them and treat them the way I wanted to treat them? Lord, forgive me for all the unloving thoughts, jokes, and actions I have done against my girls. Lord forgive me.
I am not taking my responsibility. Please Lord help me to be a good shepherd.
I love you and I will fee your sheep.
2012/05/01
Saying Goodbyes
I said a lot of goodbyes this past however long. There are a couple of them I still cannot let go yet.
I don't know how I think about this friend's leaving. She prepared me well, and I thought I was good at moving on. But I was wrong. I already miss her so much, and knowing that our relationship will change next year scares me. Knowing that going to chapel I won't be able to see her scares me. Knowing that discipleship won't continue the way it was scares me. She scares me... I scare myself. I know that this relationship has to move on. but I didn't want it to. I was comfortable with the love, the blessings, and the challenges that this friendship presented. I thought I was ready to accept the fact that she will not be so present in my life, but I was wrong.
There were a couple more goodbyes that I had to say. I said bye to the music school at the music school graduation ceremony. All the people... I didn't know I loved that place that much. I can't stop my tears thinking about my teachers and how much they invested in me. I know they gave a lot of effort and personal care. I thought I was so done with piano after my recital. But I was wrong. I miss it so much. I miss the practice, the pressure, my lessons, the "jail-like" hallway. The late-night practices. I had to say bye to all these. I won't be continuing any more... no more. I said goodbye.
I am learning to say goodbye to the last-year me. It was so easy the previous years. But this year is different. There people that I had to let go, relationships that I had to let go, familiar places, feelings, conversations, and freedom. This is the life that I committed to. I didn't know. I don't regret. But I am sad. I won't be painting the rock, no scheduling something just because I can but tugs and struggles. But I committed to this. I can't shake it off, and I won't. I don't regret any bit of my decision, but I just needed to get over my old life. It's gonna be a process... It might take a while. I thought I liked transitions, but I was wrong.
I miss my old self, I want to go back to it, but I don't want to....
GOODBYE
I don't know how I think about this friend's leaving. She prepared me well, and I thought I was good at moving on. But I was wrong. I already miss her so much, and knowing that our relationship will change next year scares me. Knowing that going to chapel I won't be able to see her scares me. Knowing that discipleship won't continue the way it was scares me. She scares me... I scare myself. I know that this relationship has to move on. but I didn't want it to. I was comfortable with the love, the blessings, and the challenges that this friendship presented. I thought I was ready to accept the fact that she will not be so present in my life, but I was wrong.
There were a couple more goodbyes that I had to say. I said bye to the music school at the music school graduation ceremony. All the people... I didn't know I loved that place that much. I can't stop my tears thinking about my teachers and how much they invested in me. I know they gave a lot of effort and personal care. I thought I was so done with piano after my recital. But I was wrong. I miss it so much. I miss the practice, the pressure, my lessons, the "jail-like" hallway. The late-night practices. I had to say bye to all these. I won't be continuing any more... no more. I said goodbye.
I am learning to say goodbye to the last-year me. It was so easy the previous years. But this year is different. There people that I had to let go, relationships that I had to let go, familiar places, feelings, conversations, and freedom. This is the life that I committed to. I didn't know. I don't regret. But I am sad. I won't be painting the rock, no scheduling something just because I can but tugs and struggles. But I committed to this. I can't shake it off, and I won't. I don't regret any bit of my decision, but I just needed to get over my old life. It's gonna be a process... It might take a while. I thought I liked transitions, but I was wrong.
I miss my old self, I want to go back to it, but I don't want to....
GOODBYE
2012/04/10
I am struggling
I am struggling...a lot
I had a piano lesson today, and I played so bad that my teacher see no hope in putting that piece on my recital. Well, I have to fill in those time that piece would take. Therefore, we decided on new music. I have ONE week to finish it, and somehow get the other pieces ready too. I just felt really overwhelmed. I have NO idea how I can finish everything in time, and I don't know what God wants me to do. help? ask for help? How is he gonna help? 30 hours a day wouldn't be enough....
school
job
family
teaching
church
f-1 status
So many things to do. I am drowning with things to do. where do i start? I need to breathe, but I'm suffocating.
I had a piano lesson today, and I played so bad that my teacher see no hope in putting that piece on my recital. Well, I have to fill in those time that piece would take. Therefore, we decided on new music. I have ONE week to finish it, and somehow get the other pieces ready too. I just felt really overwhelmed. I have NO idea how I can finish everything in time, and I don't know what God wants me to do. help? ask for help? How is he gonna help? 30 hours a day wouldn't be enough....
school
job
family
teaching
church
f-1 status
So many things to do. I am drowning with things to do. where do i start? I need to breathe, but I'm suffocating.
2012/03/22
I am only a vessel
"Jean, why do you think water falls out of the cup when you shake a cup of water?"
"..."
"It's not because you are shaking; it's because water is already in the cup...when we go through things our real self comes out, but not because of the situation, but because we are who we are."
"Jean, why is Jesus' first miracle turning water into wine?"
"..."
"Because Jesus came to the earth no to abolish the law, but to fulfill it. He made the law alive. Water represents the old law, and the wine is the new law. My prayer lately has been 'God, make my water into wine.'"
"0o0"
"Jean, my secret to teaching the piano is I absolutely knew nothing about it. And I love it. Because when I didn't know what to say, it was God speaking into me. I learn so much about God... My purpose in life is to communicate the truth, beauty and love of God through music.... This is so exciting!"
This was my conversation with my piano teacher after my 11pm piano lesson... so inspired...
actually... I recorded it.
"..."
"It's not because you are shaking; it's because water is already in the cup...when we go through things our real self comes out, but not because of the situation, but because we are who we are."
"Jean, why is Jesus' first miracle turning water into wine?"
"..."
"Because Jesus came to the earth no to abolish the law, but to fulfill it. He made the law alive. Water represents the old law, and the wine is the new law. My prayer lately has been 'God, make my water into wine.'"
"0o0"
"Jean, my secret to teaching the piano is I absolutely knew nothing about it. And I love it. Because when I didn't know what to say, it was God speaking into me. I learn so much about God... My purpose in life is to communicate the truth, beauty and love of God through music.... This is so exciting!"
This was my conversation with my piano teacher after my 11pm piano lesson... so inspired...
actually... I recorded it.
John 11
Jesus raises Lazarus from death.
I am Lazarus. I was dead. If Jesus went back to Judea, he could be killed. He did it anyway, because I was dead. He came to give me life. This is my salvation. He was deeply moved. He cried with Mary for my death, called my name out in front of my tomb. He told people:" Take off the grave cloths and let him go." I did not have to be separated from people, Jesus the high priest pronounced me clean cuz He allowed people to touch me. The grave cloths that are wrapping on me are gone. I have a new life now, and one that is free of bondage.
I am Lazarus.
I am Lazarus. I was dead. If Jesus went back to Judea, he could be killed. He did it anyway, because I was dead. He came to give me life. This is my salvation. He was deeply moved. He cried with Mary for my death, called my name out in front of my tomb. He told people:" Take off the grave cloths and let him go." I did not have to be separated from people, Jesus the high priest pronounced me clean cuz He allowed people to touch me. The grave cloths that are wrapping on me are gone. I have a new life now, and one that is free of bondage.
I am Lazarus.
2012/03/19
My Body, Your Temple
God I want to vomit out all that is unclean inside of me!
1 Corinthians 6:19
Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;
Luke 19:46
"It is written," he said to them, "My house will be a house of prayer; but you have made it 'a den of robbers.'"
1 Corinthians 6:19
Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;
Luke 19:46
"It is written," he said to them, "My house will be a house of prayer; but you have made it 'a den of robbers.'"
2012/03/02
2012/01/08
This is my Lot
I went to my aunt's house today. No acknowledgement, no eye contact, barely any conversation. The things we talked about were necessity, like scheduling.
Part of me hurt a little bit, part of me want to draw away, another part of me want to rebel. God said, Love. I have run out of my love for them. But God said, Love. Therefore, I will take up my cross and Love, when tomorrow comes again, I will love again. Love with God's love. It's my responsibility. My response to God.
Part of me hurt a little bit, part of me want to draw away, another part of me want to rebel. God said, Love. I have run out of my love for them. But God said, Love. Therefore, I will take up my cross and Love, when tomorrow comes again, I will love again. Love with God's love. It's my responsibility. My response to God.
2012/01/04
This is just a start
I am in fetal position right now. I'm trying to defend myself, but I can't. God it hurts so much to face my family. So many oppositions, and gets harder right? Is this part of the cost you are trying to call me to pay? Is this my cross that I have to carry? If it is, please please God don't hide your face from me. God please don't let go of me.
I am handcuffed trying to break free, but I didn't know the metals would cut into my wrist and cause me to bleed. I stopped trying, thinking that the hurting might fade away. But I am still bleeding. It is still hurting. I have to break free somehow to completely stop the bleeding and be healed. God please teach me how.
I am handcuffed trying to break free, but I didn't know the metals would cut into my wrist and cause me to bleed. I stopped trying, thinking that the hurting might fade away. But I am still bleeding. It is still hurting. I have to break free somehow to completely stop the bleeding and be healed. God please teach me how.
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