What can I do?

I really want to wash all the dirt off of my body. I feel dirty, I feel undeserving, I feel like no matter how many times I clean myself, I find the next layer dirtier. I don't know what to do, I don't know where to start.
I know I cannot do it alone, but what if it's only God doing his part and I wasn't doing anything? What will happen?
Why is it that I always fail?

Sovereignty

Jean, how can you forget how sovereign God is, and how deep your sins are, and how much you deserve to go to hell. How can you not feel his love. He is picking you up every moment, pouring out his love and mercy every moment to you, and how can you not appreciate? You cannot just sing thouse shongs without thinking about what the lyrics was really talking about. Think about this richness and heaviness of his love in your life!

Always blessed

reviewing my past, I am always the blessed one. God sent me people, protection, guidence, promises... so many things. He always answer my prayers fast. Again, after I found out that i don't have enough knowledge about God's love (head knowledge doesn't really count) because of my insecurities, he showed me more of how much he loves me. He picks me up everytime I fail, everytime i fall, everytime I'm struck. This past week, his LOVE rebukes really got me! he didn't tell me: "Jean, can't you tell i love you? after all I've done for you how come you still don't know? you evil one!" He didn't tell me that. instead, he said: "jean, let me show more of my love to you...oh, you still don't see? let me give more... and more... and more...." so again and again, I'm drentched in his love, his downpouring love. and I'm standing there speechless, motionless, his blessings come like raining cats and dogs. Such a good feeling!!! soooo blessed! I still cannot put everything in words! I can only say, He is so good!

Amazing Grace

"I know that I am a great sinner and Jesus is a great savior."

This is one of the line from the movie Amazing Grace. I just realize how great a sinner I am, and how many times Jesus still picks me up. He still uses this filthy rag to do his will. I don't know how great his love is, and I don't think I can ever find out, but what I do know is that I will be revealed of his great love for me bit by bit. His amazing grace is sufficient, so Jean, who are you to say that his love cannot cover all your sins? So Jean, be a faithful servant, and do his will!

revealed

So I wasn't going psycho. I found out what my problem is. All the insecurities, sensitivities, self-righteousness, lack of trust in people all directed me into becoming a control-freak. Because of all the things I went through, I feel like I need to take control over my life so that it won't be messed up. But just look at how messed up it is still. Jean, you cannot save yourself. I KNOW that I cannot save myself, but I DIDN'T KNOW. They are all head knowledge, I never come to realization that I am messed up, and I need someone else to fix me. I don't want to find excuses for my being controlling, and my experiences cannot serve as the excuses. God gave me all those experiences so that I could depend on him, and look what I did. I, with my big head, gave myself a crown thinking that I am so important, that the world wouldn't go around without me, haha! God just revealed to me that how much of this sin is covering me. How messed up I am. This problem is literally covering my whole body that I feel like God will scrape off a whole layer of me to fix me, and it's grown out of my skin, and become part of me, so the scraping process is gonna be super painful. I don't know what kind of surgery I need to go through, but now that I know God is the one in control, I need to trust that he is gonna fix me, and turn me back into the image that he originally made me into. Right Jean?