Girl with a big head

So I'm a girl with a really big head, aka, I am very attention seeking. I might not want to be under the spotlight physically, but mentally I always want to be the at the center stage. The scary thing is that sometimes I don't know. I blame it to the single child syndrome, but I know that it's from my sinful nature. Because of this, and I've wronged a lot of people because of this whether they know or not. Most importantly, I've wronged God.

I like the song that goes: "I am a friend of God, I am a friend of God, I am a friend of God, He calls me friend." But my friendship with God a lot of times is one-sided where God chases after me, I am constantly turning away from Him. Seems like I am chasing after something else. So Jean, what are you chasing after? i'm chasing after this meism that I set for myself. I am the biggest self-worshipper in the world. I want to please people, so they recognize how good i am; i want to do well in school so I can take pride; I want to ... so i feel good. Ha! what a fool!

But today, as we were singing, I realize that God is not going to give up on me, because i am this filthy, infact, I just realize today that there's something that He cannot do--he cannot not love me, not for a single moment. Even when he is filled with sorrow, he still cries out: "father, forgive Jean, for she doesn't know what she is doing." Indeed, I am the one who betrayed my friend; I am the one who whipped him and left bloody marks; I am the one who nailed Him to the cross, and I am still doing that. However, even with that, he still loves me. He loves me constantly, but I cannot constantly love him back. I wanna say I do, but my behavior shows that I don't.

I am overwhelmed by how deeply rooted this one sin is, not to mention that this is just the tip of the iceberg. There are so many more sins that I need to learn about before I work on them. But I am also overwhelmed by the love from God that I received, and I don't know all of it. One thing I do know for sure though, is that His love is SO much greater than my sins.

No matter how big my head is and not matter how sinful I am and how many times I betray my friend, He will not give up on me, and he always forgives me. And knowing this overwhelmes me!