Dang it, but Yay God

This is during Sunday closing worship, I just realized that this past year, my prayer to the lord was off. It was "God fix me," and I get bitter because I thought my prayer prayer wasn't answered. But during closing worship, i just had this strange but familiar feeling when I was praying. I was parying for God to come close to me, and I was asking God to give himself to me. I felt familiar because this was the prayer that I prayed freshman year, and he answered abundantly, strange becasue it felt far from the life that I lived sophomore year. i just realized that I have missed the mark, I thought I hit the center of the dartboard, but not really. I might have hit the other sections on the board, but they are all not quite the center. I realized that I haven't been desirng him, and I was too focused on myself.

But still this is happy, becasue he just offered me this second (maybe this is the 20th) chance to come back to him. As always, he came chasing after me. This time it's not a slap in the face, but it's a gentle guidance to peace, and comfort. He knows exactly what I need. He is renewing my mind again, and it felt fresh!

So dang it I failed, but Yay God cause he picked me up! YAY YAY YAY!!!!!!

Good Job Faithful Servant

So this is Rebi's challenge for us yesterday as we met as hospitality team. He challenged us when we stare at the ceiling before we go to sleep at night, to reflect on our day and see if God would say to us “good job my faithful servants! I am pleased with you.” As I was thinking and reflecting on that thought, I really cannot say that God is pleased with my serving this past year. The scripture says: “lean not on your own understandings. In all your ways acknowledge him....” I don't think I did that very much.

Couple weeks ago, Nayoung drew this chart for me that really revealed to me what I have been doing. It's like a binomial model chart, where there are two branches, each represent two choices that people can make. First branch says lean on your own will, and the second says lean on God's will. Of those two choices, each choice had two more branches extending out from them, and they are the possible results that one could get from making those choice. If I choose to lean on my own will, then I either become prideful when I'm doing well, or become bitter when I'm not doing so well. The results from leaning on God's will is when I'm doing well, I give glory to God, but when I'm not doing so well, it's okay, because there is grace. As visual as I am, that chart really spoke to me and reminded me that I am constantly hopping back and forth between being proud of myself and being bitter. My choice never changed—leaning on myself. And Tina was right, we are constantly in this state of bitterness; it's by God's grace that we are doing well. Therefore, Jean, lean not on your own understandings, and delight yourself in the Lord.

So God is great in sending me people to remind me and rebuke me. Definitely without these, I cannot get out of my state of bitterness. He is really really good, like really really really good to me! The feelings from freshmen year is back, and during prayer gathering today, I could “feel” him standing next to me, and only this time I know it's different because the feelings are grounded in the words. I am happy, and I am really excited for what he's going to do this summer! Hopefully someday, when I stare at the ceiling, I will hear him say: “good job my faithful servant! I am pleased with your work :) .


Yay God!