Saying Goodbyes

I said a lot of goodbyes this past however long. There are a couple of them I still cannot let go yet.

I don't know how I think about this friend's leaving. She prepared me well, and I thought I was good at moving on. But I was wrong. I already miss her so much, and knowing that our relationship will change next year scares me. Knowing that going to chapel I won't be able to see her scares me. Knowing that discipleship won't continue the way it was scares me. She scares me... I scare myself. I know that this relationship has to move on. but I didn't want it to. I was comfortable with the love, the blessings, and the challenges that this friendship presented. I thought I was ready to accept the fact that she will not be so present in my life, but I was wrong.

There were a couple more goodbyes that I had to say. I said bye to the music school at the music school graduation ceremony. All the people... I didn't know I loved that place that much. I can't stop my tears thinking about my teachers and how much they invested in me. I know they gave a lot of effort and personal care. I thought I was so done with piano after my recital. But I was wrong. I miss it so much. I miss the practice, the pressure, my lessons, the "jail-like" hallway. The late-night practices. I had to say bye to all these. I won't be continuing any more... no more. I said goodbye.

I am learning to say goodbye to the last-year me. It was so easy the previous years. But this year is different. There people that I had to let go, relationships that I had to let go, familiar places, feelings, conversations, and freedom. This is the life that I committed to. I didn't know. I don't regret. But I am sad. I won't be painting the rock, no scheduling something just because I can but tugs and struggles. But I committed to this. I can't shake it off, and I won't. I don't regret any bit of my decision, but I just needed to get over my old life. It's gonna be a process... It might take a while. I thought I liked transitions, but I was wrong.

I miss my old self, I want to go back to it, but I don't want to....

GOODBYE